i’m so tired

every single ounce of my energy is going into not killing myself and i’ve never felt this bad and i have to concentrate extremely hard on my face because i feel like if i showed any emotion or tried to smile or anything i’d just start crying and never stop

and i don’t see how anyone could not want to die and that terrifies me because i know it’s not normal but it feels impossible to feel any other way

it hurts so much and it’s so hard to explain

Like this post
reasonably helpful thing to do #1 - paint/draw/somehow create red lines
Like this post

you told me I’d need you until silently I’d fall apart; turns out I need you like I need a hole in my heart.

Like this post

Do people actually miss others or is it just something they say when the conversation’s run dry and they realise they’ve got nothing else to say? Is it because I’m heartless that I find it too easy to say ‘I miss you too’ to people I don’t care about at all? Is it terrible to admit that there’s no exception to that? I wish I could say about someone, ‘I wish that person was in my life again’. I wish I felt something other than insensitive indifference. 

it’s all in your head, darling, it’s all in your head

(i know. that’s the problem)

Like this post

I can’t remember how it feels to laugh and not cringe at the effort it takes. This cold, detached noise that escapes me, disguised as happiness. I wonder how it goes unnoticed and realise it probably doesn’t… but they blame themselves for not being able to make me truly laugh. Would it be less offensive to stay quiet? I don’t know what to do because there’s no way I can please anyone. I’m not strong enough, and I don’t have the sanity to pretend to feel something I don’t, or pretend to not feel something I do.

Like this post
Like this post

I want to stop existing and I want to stop thinking about the fact I want to stop thinking. I want to be locked away, and maybe this only makes sense to me, but I just want to be and not have to hide the fact that I don’t want to be here.

I’m so useless and not in a ‘oh well I’m not good at anything but not many people are’ kind of way, more of a I don’t want to be here and there’s nothing I love doing and why the hell do I have a job, what am I saving up for, I can’t even imagine being alive in 5 years never mind the long term future, I don’t want ‘help’ and I don’t want to be saved, that’s not the point, I want this to fucking end. I don’t want to get happy or anything. I want the end. 

Like this post
Like this post

I find it difficult to understand why my body fights so hard to survive

when my mind is screaming for it to stop.